Digitalholics Anonymous

 

Image from Apple

Once upon a time, a friend of mine, let’s call her Rachel, felt miserable because she got realized that she got sucked back into being hooked on social media for the past few days. She had been on a social media break for months. It felt liberating not feeling that strange and persistent impulse to reach for her phone and mindlessly scroll. It felt like she got a God-given time refund of a couple of free hours each day. It was peaceful. It was peak contentment. 

Then she had her last day with her company, and, feeling a little sad she couldn’t say goodbye to her work friends in person, decided to add them on social media so that they could maybe keep a digital connection alive while they wait out delta before having drinks in person. She posted a picture to commemorate her last day too, her first post in almost a year. It had likes. Interesting. The feeling of wanting to check likes came back. People kept adding her. Pretty soon she found herself reaching for her phone every other moment, engaging in a sort of social media russian roulette. Tap the app icons and you never know what you’re going to get, minute by minute! Like a lab rat pressing and pressing on a lever for food to pop out.

The “hooked” feeling felt like a sinister, toxic force in her body. She knew it was so, so wrong. She had to quit. No matter that she was still waiting to hear from some people in the chats. She had to quit! She deleted social media apps. She kept her phone in a drawer. But she couldn’t resist opening social media sites in her browser when she had her phone in her hand. How will she overcome this impulse, when, as this Medium article pointed out, “there is an army of programmers, behavior scientists as well as data analysts working against you”? Someone’s KRAs depends on keeping you addicted to social media, so she was in for a hard time.

Rachel had a better day after having a change of scene. The different physical settings led to her brain editing out the need to check her phone. When she goes back, the impulses may still arise, but she’s determined to win this. You go, Rachel!

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In this week’s Books, my introverted friends at the book club highly recommended Quiet by Susan Cain and agreed that it was the most important book of their lives. Such words do not come lightly from them, so I decided to check it out.

I haven’t even finished this book yet but I felt compelled to already promote it to the world. I have to agree with them. This book is so important for introverts and I wish I read this as soon as it came out. Growing up, it was drilled into us all as children how we should be outgoing, gregarious, have a big personality… all code words for being an extrovert. There was supposedly something wrong with you if your energy can’t last all night at a party, if you’re quiet at a meeting, if you don’t feel like talking the whole night, if you don’t feel like being with a group of friends for long, if you feel like shutting up at dinner. All of us introverts have been there.

Quiet looks at the behavioral science and informs us that culture has been promoting and expecting the Extrovert Ideal from all of us. We should stop idealizing extroverted behavior because the fact is that you’re either an extrovert or you’re not (like race!); this is just a cultural trend; and actually, introverts have wild advantages at life. Cain says that our lives are shaped as profoundly by personality as by gender or race, that the single most important aspect of personality is where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum, and that one's place on this continuum "influences our choice of friends and mates, how we make conversation, resolve differences, and show love. It affects the careers we choose and whether or not we succeed at them."

What got me was the story at the start when this quiet, introverted corporate lawyer suddenly had to lead a negotiation against big, loud, grandstanding counterparties. She decided to stay true to who she is, was calm, rational, respectful, and asked questions to facilitate the dialogue instead of being loud and dramatic. In the end, the counterparties couldn’t help but listen and agree with her and she got the result that she wanted for her side. I love this because this is literally my job. People usually have preconceived notions that to be good, lawyers should have a dominating manner at negotiation tables. It can work, but it’s a shallow display most of the time. In my workplace, I would see pure compelling power when a lawyer listens quietly first, asks questions, then when she would finally say her piece, it’s well thought-out, makes the most sense, and the whole table knows it and follows it.

The book discussed introverts at work, in relationships, in conflicts, in culture, and I felt seen. I thought it was just me sometimes who felt the way that I felt in certain situations and I would push myself to act like more of an extrovert. But Quiet felt like a big literary hug and affirmation and I felt extra appreciative of myself and the things that I do.

A very important book indeed. Highly recommended!

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If you’re looking for light TV this week, we love Ted Lasso! It has an outrageously positive premise: American football coach is hired to coach a British football (as in soccer) premier league team. Said coach does not know a thing about British football, but has a gosh-darnit super positive attitude to life and advocates a goldfish memory span of 10 seconds, so he’s always happy. It’s a feel-good show with solid acting from the cast. Jason Sudeikis always delivers.

Light TV with 30 minutes max per episode is the best kind of TV. The TV you watch just to detox from a heavy day. I don’t like watching shows that bring me down… why bother. With the exception of my favorite TV show, The Crown. How can anyone not like The Crown? So anyway, some solid light TV shows are, in order of my positive memories of them: Sex and the City, Grace and Frankie, Kim’s Convenience, Big Bang Theory. Friends is a given. 

I hope you’re doing okay now and will continue to be okay at the end of every day this week. Have a great and happy week ahead!